A New Open Door for Asian Americans in the Modern Dating Scene

Asian households tend to impose traditional family values emphasizing sacrificing, dependency, and long-term commitment. Asian Americans belonging to the new generation might have to navigate relationships with a complex approach, especially romantic relationships. The modern dating world thrives on personal freedom, casual labels, and quick gratification. The differences between what they saw at home versus in society causes confusion. On one side, they do want to pursue an individualist mindset but tend to also want to be collective due to the guilt and shame. 

These differences however don’t stop all from trying. Dating apps are a quick way to find a match. Apps range from Tinder to Bumble to Hinge which can go from a casual tone to a much more serious one. There is a huge increase in Asian-Specific apps such as EastMeetEast, DilMil, and MEEZ, Tantan. The choice of the app depends on the individual's preferences and dating goals. However, most Asian Americans would navigate towards Asian-Specific apps especially to get parental approval of their relationship.

Individuals in the modern dating world can be self-centered and selfish by fulfilling their own needs and perhaps even "ghosting" once they receive them causing confusion. Dating opens a new possibility of what relationships can look like. Many Asian Americans enter the dating acne much later in life and may encounter a situationship. A situationship lacks clear labels and boundaries. Many Asian Americans are not taught about communicating clear boundaries and needs. This affects them in the dating world as they find it challenging to express themselves. The ambiguity in relationships can lead to anxiety or frustration. 

Many Asian Americans have to deal with fetishization and racist stereotypes. "One night at a bar, a guy I had a crush on in college (and probably would have dated) told me, 'I bet you’re WILD in bed.' He knew nothing about me other than that I’m Asian. I’m sure he thought it was a compliment, but I remember feeling SO uncomfortable. In that moment, I was completely over him. From the moment puberty set in, I was deemed an 'exotic' object of white men’s pleasure, and for whatever reason, white men are VERY comfortable communicating this to me in lots of offensive ways,” says JP in a BuzzFeed interview. It can be difficult to pursue interracial dating. Asian Americans report experiencing hateful language, vulgarity, racial slurs, and overt racism.

On one side, Asian Americans tend to want to respect their cultural traditions however, they also want to explore different dating practices. Through dating different people with different ideas of what a relationship looks like, for different partners, experiences can be gained. These experiences help recognize what an individual truly wants to seek out. It is important for individuals to navigate their feelings in a relationship that honors their personal values and morals. At times, individuals can be tempted to continue a relationship such as a situationship because the idea of love might be foreign for them. Traditional Asian values may influence attachment styles. The idea of love is foreign to many Asians causing them to develop an anxious or avoidant attachment style which may lead to unhealthy or toxic dynamics.

“If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I’d tell him that dating is about quality, not quantity. I think that’s generally pretty good advice for everyone, even if that’s not exactly what you want to hear in college, when most people are in their sexual prime. I’d also tell him that things are getting better, slowly but surely. I’d tell him that boy bands make a comeback, and that the biggest boy band in the world right now is Korean,” says Mike Cabellon about his experience with dating as an Asian man. Cabellon felt invisible and reports that there is research that highlights that Asian men are the least desirable racial group to women according to TIME. Cabellon is able to reflect on his experiences and offers advice to other Asian Americans. Cabellon says that this experience taught him to accept himself and others who look and understand him which gave him self-confidence. Dating can often teach individuals what they should have been pursuing in the first place however, that insight can only be gained through going through experiences.

Asian Americans tend to stay away from the same race due to their experiences at home or within their communities. “And in data from the early 2000s, 40% of Asian American women said they would not date an Asian American man. 90% of non-Asian women said they wouldn’t date an Asian man. Meanwhile, only 10% of Asian men said they wouldn’t date an Asian woman,” says Ravi Chandra, psychiatrist and author of Facebuddha.

“The last month has brought us two Hollywood Asian American romcoms, films that give me hope that an onscreen virtual reality in our favor might undo that third body problem, and remind us that we have something more to offer each other, as Asian Americans. Perhaps they can give us permission to be romantic with one another, something not allotted at birth to our immigrant and children-of-immigrant souls,” wrote Ravi Chandra, psychiatrist and author of Facebuddha in a Medium article. This notion challenges what research states about Asian women pursuing interracial relationships. Chandra explains how Asian Americans can remind each other of vulnerability and help keep each other safe.

The dating scene for Asian Americans explores the complexity of cultural demands, modern dating norms, and individual experiences. Asian Americans are seeking out more authentic and meaningful relationships as they also navigate cultural values. “TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE LOVED BEFORE (directed by Susan Johnson based on the YA novel by Jenny Han) was a highly praised breakthrough for Asian American girls and women, but I was disappointed that there wasn’t really any added visibility for Asian American boys and men. I think it’s really important that when any of us get a foothold, we do what we can to pull each other up. We are connected, and this goes against the grain of our current American marketing sensibility, which seems to want to disconnect us, Ravi Chandra, psychiatrist and author of Facebuddha wrote further in his Medium article. So, there is a lot more work to be done within our society to break the stigma around Asian men. Asian Americans tend to embrace their unique and colorful cultures as adults which they pulled away from as raging teenagers. Coming around to cultural roots allows individuals to develop a deeper and stronger understanding of who they are and who they want to allow in their lives. The modern dating scene has given Asian Americans an opportunity to make independent choices, accepting cultural traditions yet also embracing new ways to connect and form relationships